Do As I Say, Not As I've Done

My soon to be 6-year-old daughter has already told me that she wants to be a mom and a teacher and she is going to get married and have 5 kids. My grandchildren already have names as a matter of fact. Tonight she says, “Mommy, I have to tell you something. When I have my babies, after I’ve grown up (and finished school, I interject), well, I’m not getting married.” I ever so calmly flip out while waiting for my tea in the Starbuck’s drive thru line. I was so distracted by her statement, in fact, I was almost home before I realized that I had ordered a tall tea and was drinking a Venti. Anyhoo, I immediately respond, “You need to get married first.” To which, my smarter-than-the-average-bear child responds… wait for it, “But you didn’t, Mommy.” Before, I could stop myself, I told her I did it the wrong way and she needs to do it the right way. This comes the day after a complete emotional breakdown in regards to said “wrong way.”

I am the first to admit that this single parent thing was never in my life blueprint. I still feel guilty about her life as it is. And I am in constant conflict with myself. I was not raised to be a “baby mama”, I was raised to be a wife. Navigating this has not been easy for me by any means. I innately fight against it and spend way too much time frustrated, resentful, hurt and angry. But until those words flew from my mouth, I never realized that I felt that it was wrong… it’s not ideal, it’s not my first choice, but wrong seems harsh. So now, I’m also wondering what Missy thinks about what I said. Even though she didn’t respond, I know it’s permanently welded to that steel trap of a mind. Did I cause her to feel like she’s wrong?  Looks like I need to start saving for her for law school and the therapist she will undoubtedly need by the time I get through with her.

End Mommy rant…

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